Not the Bar-B-Que I Signed Up For

I spent the weekend with a very dear and longtime friend (as everyone in my blog has a nickname to protect their "identity", this person will be called LTF [long-time-friend]) and we got to spend time catching up...really catching up. Not that "so-how-are-the-kids-what's-been-going-on" catch up. The real serious type of catch up. The one where you get into how you feel about where you are in your life, how you and your spouse (if there is one) or significant other (if there is one) is doing or how you're doing without one. Not the elevator-answer-the-phone type of how you are - which, let's face it, when someone asks you how you are when they call you, or you meet them in an elevator, they aren't asking you how you "really" are, they are mostly asking if you are vertical and not bleeding.

But this type of visit wasn't designed as a "hey, let's just goof off" visit. This was a "get down to business and really discuss how things were going for both of us" visit. It had been a long time since we were together like this and I had plans to take advantage of it.

I can hear you wondering, 'So what? Meet your friend, catch up. Not clear what the big whop is'. Here's the big whop.

Aha wasn't there. He was watching his beloved Cubbies practice for the big leagues in  Spring Training. Those of you who know him, know that most things don't come in front of the Cubbies and yes, that includes even when they are tremendously sucky (um, most of the time they are tremendously sucky, this year is shaping up the same way evidently).

So here I am with a chance to spend time with my friend.

What did we talk about?

Wow! Are we that close? That is soooooooooo none of your business.

Ha, ha, ha.....what would be the point of this post if I don't share it with you.

While I won't get into the details, this is the first time LTF and I have been able to talk at length about Aha's MS. How it impacts me, how it effects our marriage all of it. LTF said something very interesting. LTF said: "This isn't the bar-b-que you signed up for is it?"

You're probably thinking - 10 1/2 years in, now you're thinking you got a different bar-b-que?

No.

The point I want to discuss is the bar-b-que itself. Is this the bar-b-que ANYONE signed up for? Think about it for a moment. Given your life, the way it's gone, is this what you pictured when you were 12? Any of it? Not me folks - not at all.

Life throws us onto the road, the road of life, and it's our job to navigate it. But many times, as my UA says, "life doesn't go the way you plan" (John Lennon also said, "life happens when you're making other plans" but I don't know and love John Lennon and I do know and love UA so he gets the shout out).

So what happens? You adjust. Right? You look at the road you're on and think (or in my case say - out loud) "Well, fuck, this isn't the way I thought things would go" and you get on the new road, adjust your view, your seatbelt and you're off to the races.

Of course, my crap isn't as easy as that. Right? It should have been a hint earlier in life....many signs I now see - in retro-freaking-spect.

What I explained to LTF is that my life isn't just "not the road I thought I'd be on" but I'm not even looking at a road any longer. Aha and I are sailing along, hitting turbulence and looking for the road to land on.

We've landed on something that I think might be a road - someday - but for today, it's not even a cleared path that Pa from Little House on the Prairie would drive his cart on. Aha and I are clearing the path.

How do you deal with being thrown into the air to land on something that isn't the road you thought you'd be on?

In real terms, what do you do when your job isn't what you thought it should be, you had kids/didn't have kids as you planned on,  you married/didn't marry, your spouse/significant other turns out to have a disease and you are thrown into the role of caregiver for 30 years.

I don't know. You just do it. "When you've got a job to do, you do it well" as Paul McCartney said in Live and Let Die. I'm just doing it. I don't know any other way. I don't see any other option (look for different post on suicide thoughts). What I DO know is that I married the right guy. I married the guy I loved then and that I love now. I married the right guy at the right time in my life. I married the one that I jumped off the cliff with holding hands on our wedding day and we're still falling - but most importantly, we're still holding hands. I'd be married to him in a dumpster. No matter what I think of other people or how I feel when I see other people (even people who are in the good looking realm of Kevin Bacon - hey, don't judge, get your own crush) , even on really really really really really really really bad days, he's still the dude. He's still the one I want to wake up with and see and the one I want to go to sleep with and see last every day. He's the one I want to share my successes with and cry over my failures with. He's the one who will love me no matter what I do - succeed or not. He and I are in this together. THIS is the "for worse" part....remember that part of vows? The "for better or for worse" part? It's all fun and games during the "for better" part. What makes your marriage succeed is when you survive the "for worse" parts. And this is the "for-fucking-worse" part for sure.

But - what does that mean for my road? For my bar-b-que?

I don't really know...Aha and I are on the Little House on the Prairie 'non-road' road, looking for a bar-b-que to go to.

But the most important part? I'm with him and we're holding hands and that means it will be o.k.

As for the rest of my conversations with LTF? Sorry...what happens in the dog park, the back yard, the restaurant and the Starbucks stays in the dog park, the back yard, the restaurant and the Starbucks - rules of the LTF and me.

Hope your bar-b-que is fun.
denarena

The Acronym for the Day.....

is HCM.

HCM.

Human

Capital

Management.


When did I become cattle? Human Capital Management? Does that mean that what I do is Human Capital Education?

Ew.

This sounds very 1984 to me (the George Orwell kind, not the 'like totally, fur sure' kind).

More later, but know this......


I work with people - not Human Capital Management.


I leave you to create training materials for people, real people to use next week in SF.

Be a person, not just human...
d.

Guilt....of what now?

I've got a good one...

Guilt.

Is it really guilt or is it feeling badly about yourself?

I thought about this today because I failed (key word) to get out of bed for a spin class at 6:30 AM. I know some of you are thinking, "Um, why on earth would you want to take a class in the middle of the night?" For me and Aha, 6:30 AM is practically the middle of the morning. I've always been a morning exerciser. Think about it, school during the day - exercise in the morning. Work, during the day, exercise in the morning.

I know you're all thinking, "No, school/work in the daytime - exercise in the evening!" Not for me. Two reasons: 1. I am beat in the evenings. My teeny tiny brain can't handle the thinking all day and then exercising in the evening thing; it's just not happening and; 2. This is how I was raised. Dinner happens in the evening - with Aha or without, but it happens in the evening. Blame the royalty, I tell you.

Anyway, back to guilt. So, I lousy about myself for not getting up for this spin class. A few questions for myself to see if I can work this out:

1. Did you sleep well? - Um, not really this time - bad dreams about people I know (2nd night in a row).

2. Would you have felt less badly if Aha hadn't gotten up and went to the gym? - At first, yes, but upon further thought? No.

3. Whom (yes this is the correct usage of whom) have you let down? - Upon first reflection, I thought I may have disappointed Aha, but when asked, he said "Of course not. You do so much how could I be disappointed?" (that was a direct quote, so I've got that going for me, which is nice). So I'm going to have to go with only me. I'm the only one I let down.

4. Can you do something about it? Yes. There is a yoga class at 10:30 at Rising Lotus Yoga that I can go to. It's a level 2-3 class, way above my skill level, but I took it once and they didn't throw me out. Though this time, I'll be in the back and not the front. Those people are AWESOME, and I need them not watching my level 1 behind. O.K. so going to extra hard yoga. That's a plus.

5. Who the F cares? In the end, who am I trying to impress? No one really. Mostly I'm trying to take off the 11 pounds I put back on (I lost 46 pounds 4.5 years ago and I am determined to not put them back on. How I did it and have them off is the fodder for another blog). One of my BFFs is really good at keeping things like this in perspective. I try to think WWBFFD (what would BFF do?). BFF would not feel guilty, but would get up, put on my big girl yoga panties and get moving.

And that's what I'm going to do.

Guilt? Not any more. I wish you guilt free days.

d.

My brain hurts....

Ever have days like this? Days where your brain hurts? Usually, these types of days come after long study periods, problem solving sessions, watching "Bridge Over the River Kwai" (we watched this movie with very close friends and found ourselves scratching our heads at the end).

Well, the days I'm talking about are days where I have too much spinning around in my teeny tiny brain and it won't shut off. Here are some of the topics you an look forward to (or not) in coming posts:

*  Why I need to blog more
*  How cool it is to be told you are perfect, and how really strange it is because don't even know what perfect is...
*  Mental illness, my Grandpa and me
*  Stupidity of Government (and it's not what you think it will be)
*  Why I need to speak in front of Congress (see above topic)
*  Blood types and why we should honor them
*  High School thoughts...still couldn't pay me to go back, even knowing what I know now. No amount of money at all
*  How weird it is to dream about people you know
*  My good juju I give to women who want to get pregnant - all of you who already have kids - you're welcome

That's it for now...

Stay tuned and drink the good wine - or whatever you drink that makes you happy.

denarena

Sound.

Let's think about sound for a while. There's all kinds of sounds, noise mostly. What's the best sound? I still think my favorite sound is the sound of Aha playing the piano - the regular piano - not plugged into anything. Why is that my favorite?

Partly because he is a most spectacular piano player - yep.
Partly because his playing always makes me think of happy times with him.
Partly because if he's playing the piano, I can assume a few things: 1. he is feeling well enough physically to play the piano; 2. he's feeling well enough mentally to play the piano; and 3. that he's in that musical mood (that's kind of a lame one, but I really don't have a third and two things seemed too little - oh wait! I've got it!) and 3. For a few minutes at least, I don't have to worry about how he feels. (Caregiver is a sucky place to as a spouse, no matter what age you and your spouse are, but when you're both under 60? Extra sucky.)

Other sounds I love - when any of my nieces or nephews calls me Auntie - that really means a lot. And I don't mean just the ones I'm related to by marriage or blood - I've got lots of friends whose kids call me Auntie. A good, well meaning, from the heart "Auntie" is always wonderful. And yes, the younger the voice, the more my heart melts. #38 gives a good Auntie these days. (order of birth - out of 41 - yes you read that right. I am Auntie and Great Auntie to 41 - 2 are from my brother and his wife and the remaining 39 are on Aha's side.)

The ocean - I could sit an listen to the ocean for the rest of my days. There is something calming and peaceful about the waves crashing on the beach. The Pacific Ocean sounds different than the Atlantic. Can't explain it, but it does. There is something amazing about the Pacific Ocean here in CA. Different than in Hawaii (yeah - will retest that theory in April!!!). I love the sound. There used to be a radio station in the late 80's that played the sound of the ocean for 4 or 5 hours every night; I loved falling asleep to it.

Laughter - especially laughter in my house. Laughter in my house means that people are there (probably eating) and having a good time. One of the few dreams I have been able to live is that I can entertain my friends and family. I grew up in a home where my parents entertained frequently and that's where I probably got the bug. I found ways to entertain my friends long before I had a house to do it in. I brought pizza to our 9th grade lawn lunches at John Burroughs Junior High in the early 80's; I seem to make people laugh pretty regularly (some more than others - Mom is the best audience); and so on.

I think that's it for now... oh, wait...one more sound that I love - my Dad singing - randomly (though singing to me at my wedding was AWESOME!!!). My Dad would sing all weekend long when I was growing up - anything, mostly show tunes and anything by Barbra Streisand. There are a few songs that when I hear them today all I can hear is my Dad singing them: Anything from A Chorus Line, Sh-Boom and Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

Sound is very powerful - it can make us smile, laugh, cry and remember.

Todays post was composed while watching the surf and listening to Sirius Satellite Radio - 1st Wave. - Madison. Hey, that's John Taylor from Duran Duran with you in the studio! Oh thank goodness, Richard Blade arrived.
Blondie, Human League, Duran Duran, David Bowie, New Order, OMD, The Alarm, Split Endz, U2, Modern English, Gene Loves Jezebel, The Clash, Howard Jones, Public Image Ltd. and Pet Shop Boys.

Betty Friedan. It's Betty Friedan you IDIOT!

Betty Friedan.

Raise your hand if you know who she is.

Well now, that's not so good.

See, I'm imagining that the number of you that raised your hands is the same percentage of people that raised their hands when my Mom and I were in Washington DC, stood in the Portrait Gallery in front of a picture of Betty, and we were the only two out of 15 who knew who she was.

I know that sentence was super long, but I just couldn't shorten it.

The portrait episode happened a few years ago, but it was brought back to mind when I read this blog post: How I Derailed My Career and Discovered My Life by Valerie Latona.

I may be confused, but in the 70's, wasn't the point of fighting for Women's Rights so that women could have the choice about whether to have kids and stay home as a full time mom (a full time job I might add) or to have a full time career - OR BOTH.

I was born at the end of the sixties. Whomever "they" are say that I'm Generation X. But, I don't feel like a Gen Xer, I think more like whatever the "children-born-of-Baby-Boomers-but-not-exactly-Gen-Xers" do. I don't feel entitled to a job; I know I have to work to make my own way. I don't think that everyone should do for me...that kind of thing.

I did get to experience part of Women's Liberation though. I marched with my Mom to ratify the Equal Rights Amendment: Section 1 stated: "Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex." I must tell you, this seemed like a slam dunk idea to me. Why we needed (and apparently still need) to put it in writing baffles me. Evidently, given the fact that it was written in 1923 by Alice Stokes Paul, passed in both houses of Congress in 1972 and was sent to the state legislators for ratification. The deadline to ratify it was June 30, 1982 and it wasn't ratified.

What? Seriously? Not ratified? Why?

Well, now, that's a very interesting question. Why not?

Ask fifty people and you will get fifty answers ranging from male bashing to female bashing (the ONE thing we're equal about in this country is bashing EVERYONE); from who deserves what to no one deserves anything.

I'm nauseous just thinking about the whole thing and that's not good because I'm eating lunch right now.

Why in 2012 are we STILL discussing the fact that women are paid less than men; according to the fine folks at Catalyst "The median annual income for full-time, year-round women workers in 2009 was $36,278 compared to men’s $47,127." (I didn't do a whole lot of research, but this is pretty close even though it's older data than I'd like).

Did you read that right? "...full-time, year-round women workers..." and "...compared to men's..." Not 'men's full-time year round workers'. Sheesh.

O.K. I know I've strayed a bit...and this is not going to be a diatribe about Equal Rights, Women's rights and who has the right to decide what happens to my body or your body for that matter! (Though it should!!! The political scene seems to need a boot, no a pointy-steel-tip boot to the head regarding that! Maybe another day.)

BUT! What I want to get out is this...many women still feel that they have to make a choice about career versus parenthood. It looked to me like Valerie (the blogger who I referenced at the beginning of this post) had a fabulous career in an organization (thankfully I don't know which one) that did NOT embrace the idea that she could be successful in her job AND be a parent. (NB: I do not know what was going on at home with her spouse; if there was one and/or if they discussed the possibility of him/her being a part-time/full-time parent) Every job I've ever had (except my current one which I LOVE) did not leave the door 0pen to the idea of my remaining in my role AND being a part-time parent. Yes, I'd have to augment my role but with a husband who was willing to do that as well, it could have worked. Not only did my former jobs not open the door to the idea, they didn't even HAVE a door, much less a knob with which to open it.

What am I getting at?

Not company bashing, not people bashing and not gender bashing.

This: All that fighting that Betty Friedan, Gloria Stienem, and men and women like my Mother did was to give the girls and women of the coming generations the OPTION, the CHOICE as to what they want to do with their lives. Guess who it also was for? It was for the men and the boys to have the OPTION, the CHOICE as to what THEY wanted to do with their lives too.

What happened to people actually getting the opportunity to have the choice? To make the choice? We were supposed to move forward, to evolve as a being. I would have hoped that 30 years after the ERA failed to be ratified, we as a society would see the errors of our ways and make it so on our own.

From where I sit and watch the Politicians babble, fight and look generally foolish (the men AND the women btw), it would seem to me that we're no closer. I'm really disappointed in us. Really disappointed.

We're somewhat better off...I think...

Today is the 10th anniversary of the attack on the United States. On September 11, 2001 two hijacked airplanes flew into the Twin Towers in New York, one hijacked plane flew into the Pentagon and one plane that was almost hijacked but diverted by brave brave people on the plane crashed into a field in Shanksville, PA. We were under attack and it was really really scary.

Aha and I had just woken up for the day and while he was brushing his teeth and I was rubbing sleep from my eyes, I turned on the NBC news (as I always did). What I saw was that it appeared that the World Trade Center was on fire.

"Honey, come here, the World Trade Center is on fire." I said.

"What??", he said?

As he walked in and we stood together in front of our television, we watched the 2nd plane fly right into the second tower.

I wasn't sure what I was seeing. My first thought was "wow...what an accident...". Inside of about 5 minutes, I knew it wasn't an accident.

We were under attack and it was very very scary. My life, along with everyone else's life, changed forever that day. Ten years later, the question seems to be, for the better or not?

Now...to back up a bit, the 9/11 attacks (as they came to be known) were not the first "where where you when...." event that happened in my lifetime. Fortunately, in my 43 years, there haven't been many but they include in no particular order:

* The Challenger explosion 1986 - in high school english class

* Regan being shot - in elementary school

* The first African American being elected president - on my couch with Aha

* The first woman being nominated for vice president - with my parents

* The Northridge earthquake - lying in my bed feeling it

* The death of:

-- Michael Jackson

-- Jerry Garcia

-- Freddie Mercury

-- John John Kennedy

But 9/11 is the one event in my lifetime that has had permanent repercussions.

All of the sudden, no one felt safe any longer. We were here in California wondering if the terrorists were coming here next. Would it be like the movies? Would there be a takeover and we'd all be killed?

That first 24 hours were errie. All we did was watch television. Those two planes flying into the World Trade Center towers over and over and over and over again. It got to the point where I just couldn't watch it any longer.

It took a long time and eventually, life became what is known now in our house as "the new normal". Travel changed, mailing things changed, our level of safety confidence changed. We could never ever go back.

But now, ten years later, there is a tremendous debate about whether we're better off or not. Well, let's see; thanks to some tool who put a bomb in his shoe, we have to take off our shoes when we go through security at the airport. Thanks to a different tool, we can't take more than the amount of 3 oz bottles that fit in a medium size Zip Lock bag. That didn't piss me off because I am a bag checker...I don't carry my suitcase on if I can avoid it. That's why God invented the belly of the plane, right? What irritated me was that I couldn't bring my coffee, a bottle of water or any drinkable liquid into the airport and through security. But whatever, I'll survive.

You'll notice that I'm not kvetching about the fact that they want to x-ray my carry on bag, that my computer has to have its own little bin to go through the x-ray or that they want to practically have me strip down to my bra and panties so they can see if I'm trying to smuggle something illegal on board (which I never am). I don't even care so much about the new x-ray that everyone thinks is too invasive. If some TSA person gets their rocks off checking out my boobs or nether region, then yeah for them; frankly I'm excited that I excite anyone these days.

What would I care about? Being groped, that wouldn't work, but since I haven't been, mostly because I consent to the x-ray, I'll leave it at - YOU MAY NOT TOUCH MY UNDER THE NEATH PARTS. YOU GET TO CHECK ME OUT VIA X-RAY AND THAT'S IT.

You will notice that I will also not use this space to mention that in nine years of flying Aha has never been asked to show his prescription for his Copaxone (all filled syringes) and when we were going through IVF, I was not asked to show a letter or a prescription for over 20 empty and over 10 filled syringes as well as multiple filled little bottles. Nope, no one wanted to talk about them. Oh well.

Here's the thing - we are better off and here's why.

It hasn't happened again.

People are more vigilant. It was regular people who noticed that a car was parked in Times Square and something wasn't quite right. It was regular people who have helped airline staff subdue all kinds of wacky people that try to get to the cockpit and/or to the flight team.

People aren't getting their machetes on to the planes (really, who needs that on a plane?) and people are more cognizant of who is on their planes and their behavior.

Now, there are plenty of ways we're not better off - the top five spots on that list belong to racial profiling. That makes me so incensed! How dare someone treat a person badly because they are wearing a headscarf!! How dare someone treat another human being badly because of their religion. I could go on for pages and pages, but I think you get the drift.

People will tell you that we're being spied on and that our privacy is being breeched. I am not here to try to change your mind if that's you. That's not the purpose of my blog. You are entitled to your own opinion.

However, here's my thoughts on it. Here's my thoughts on the TSA's ability to seem to go way way way overboard sometimes. Here's my insight into why we slap rules on ourselves when bad things happen.

Change happens very very very slowly. We are only ten years out from that horrible day. We're still working out the kinks of how to protect ourselves from the bad people in the world (in this case, "bad people" = anyone who wants to bring harm to the USA). We're still in a pretty reactionary time. Think about ten years in the context of the fact that we're a pretty young country. Also, think of ten years in the context of politicians are the ones making the decisions. I will save my thoughts on our government for another post. But, they really irk me.

So, we might be a little too over to one side when it comes to protecting ourselves. And we're not so fabulous about laying out perimeters. Finally, we don't seem to be so great at managing the process and checks and balances. We'll get there. The pendulum will swing. Think about how far the other way the pendulum was before 9/11. Before 9/11 you could get to the airport 30 minutes before your flight and be fine (unless you were in my family, we always got there hours before). Now, post 9/11, you need to allow over an hour to get through the aforementioned security screening process. We'll get there. It takes time and it takes mistakes to figure out what we need to do to adjust.

I think we need to spend less time being irked about processes that are keeping us safe and more time figuring out why we treat each other so badly. Why racism still exists in this country. Why people care about who we marry. Why the children in our country aren't getting educated as they should. Why we all can't seem to communicate very well and instead we shoot each other. Spend the time on that and not on why the TSA wants to see your bra. I mean really.

A few thanks are in order on, this the 10th anniversary of 9/11:

Thank you to all of the people who ran INTO the buildings to try to save as many people as they could. Thank you to the men and women of all the Police Departments and Fire Departments who worked tirelessly to save people and clean up the disastrous mess. Finally, thank you to the families who lost their loves ones as responders, first or otherwise. You performed the greatest sacrifice. You supported a person who gave their life in order to help others. They gave the greatest thing they could, their life and while I'm not sure about heaven and hell, I do feel that they have been put in a place where they can be happy. Please know that your family member is still a brave soul.

We'll get there. Be patient. But look at it this way, it's not happened again and that's a good sign.

America - we rock,

Dena.